The heat from the sun is just starting to get intense as we pull into the driveway. The rush of cool air is pleasant as I open the front door. Since I barely know our neighbors, I give no thought whatsoever as to what they might think about some black guy following me into the house. It's not like we plan on doing anything immoral. Are we? Nathan comments on the house as he follows me to the kitchen. His compliments are appreciated, and I wiggle my ass just a bit more than normal. Perhaps he'll compliment me on that as well. At the very least, I hope he notices. "There's cold beer in the refrigerator if you'd like one." "Are you having one?" he asks. "Definitely." Nathan opens the refrigerator to get us a beer and I open the pantry to get a can of soup. I plan on something simple like soup and a sandwich. Nathan's still standing beside the refrigerator door as I turn toward it. He steps aside with a beer in each hand as I move to get the butter dish and the cold cuts. My breasts. But she wasn’t. That evening I cut my hand in an attempt to shock her into quitting. She saw it the next day. She was hurt but my plan failed. I know that was ridiculously stupid. The shame you feel after hurting yourself to cope is difficult to deal with and I’ll be honest and say that the shame sometimes made me feel so bad that I actually harmed myself twice in the space of a few minutes. The term vicious cycle has been used to describe self-harm. I completely agree. It’s exactly the right term to use. You feel bad, you cut. You feel bad about cutting, you start to feel worse. And you cut again. And it keeps on going, and going, and going... It’s very hard to explain and incredibly difficult for people to comprehend but hurting yourself is very addictive. I have no idea why but that’s the only word that I can find to at least try to explain. People often mistake is as a suicide attempt but that’s just because the most common place to cut is arms. It’s not about.
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